Middle School Health Class, YouTube, and My Eating Disorder: The Why Part 4

In today’s post I am diving deeper in how the lack of comprehensive education around eating disorders inadvertently impacted my own eating disorder. Yep, I am going to be talking about middle school health class. (Here I’m including a picture of middle school me.)

***Trigger warning for language surrounding pro-ana, thinspiration, restriction, and descriptive language about different body weights.***

I first learned about the existence of eating disorders in my seventh-grade health class. In this class, I learned extremely generalized information about anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder. The entire lesson was taught in a way that suggested that it was very unlikely anyone in the room would ever experience having an eating disorder. (This is laughable because many of us middle schoolers were very susceptible in dealing with a variety of mental illnesses. Whether or not we were already dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc., many of us, including myself, were harassed daily by peers and, in turn, extremely self-conscious and hyper aware of ourselves and our bodies.)

Although the way the lesson was taught could have been helpful for some students, it was quite harmful to me as I was already at a high risk for engaging in eating disorder behaviors. (At this point in time, I had a terrible body image and was obsessed with the thought of losing weight.) 

During the lesson, I felt like I was window shopping for different ways I could get skinny.

The lesson began with “the most dangerous eating disorder,” “Anorexia.” (Or what I liked to call it, the most effective.) The slide on anorexia included an image of a stick-thin runway model from the 90’s. I was in absolute awe of her. She had an elegant long and slender neck, a sharp jawline, and big doe-like eyes. Each one of her bones violently protruded out of her skin. The protrusion was so shocking to me that I wondered if her bones ever punctured through.

              My health teacher dubbed her “Skeletor.” Through squinted eyes, he curled his hands into claws, and roared, implying that she was some sort of monster. He made it noticeably clear that we were not supposed to acknowledge her beauty. We were to be disgusted by her. Despite his rhetoric, I could not help but wish that one day I would look like her. 

               The slide on bulimia showed another stick-thin model from the 90’s whose knuckles were raw and calloused. These marks were called “Russell’s Sign” and were from the repeated forcing of one’s hand down the esophagus. Her teeth were yellow from loss of enamel from stomach acid due to, again, repeated vomiting. What I absorbed from bulimia girl was that bulimia was another effective way to lose weight, however, it left an unsightly mark. I did not want to look like bulimia girl.

              Lastly, came the binge eating disorder slide. Featured, was a morbidly obese woman. She had to be close to 500 or 600 pounds. I remember feeling horrified by the image. In my impressionable adolescent mind, I was terrified I would balloon just like her. I remember thinking that if I did not start dieting soon, surely, I would become her.

              The concluding slides discussed how the media contributed to diet culture. The first slide featured Rihanna, then Beyoncé. I recall my health teacher asking us (as middle schoolers!) which of their bodies we found more attractive. At the time, Rihanna was named sexiest woman alive and was fairly lean. Beyoncé was not named sexiest woman alive and was, although also pretty lean, slightly curvier. My health teacher said he found Beyoncé more attractive because she had curves and looked healthier than Rihanna, who he personally thought was too skinny. He implied that Rihanna only won that year because she was skinnier than Beyoncé. We were supposed to agree with him. (I truly did not see much of a difference in their bodies and still do not see much of a difference between photos of them in 2010...)

Although my health teacher’s intentions were pure in trying to explain how the current beauty standards were unrealistic and unhealthy, the way he went about it was highly problematic. Asking impressionable middle schoolers to judge and objectify the bodies of two incredibly beautiful and talented female artists was insensitive and sexist. Just, yikes.

When I came home from school that day, I got out my laptop and searched “eating disorders” on YouTube. (I wanted to continue my window shopping.) What came up were a couple informational videos, but also videos labeled, “My Anorexia Story “and “My Eating Disorder Story.” These videos were slideshows of the various progressions of girls’ eating disorders and were usually paired with the song, Courage, by Superchick. I watched these girls shrink and shrink and shrink in these videos. Each slide would include the girls’ weights and oftentimes what they were eating. 

In some videos, the girls recovered, and the slide shows ended with a picture of them at a healthier weight. These videos offered a beacon of hope. However, other videos ended with the girl in question still skin and bones, begging for help and prayers. 

All I remember thinking to myself was that I wanted to get skinny enough to make my own "My Eating Disorder Story" video.

In hindsight, these videos were obviously incredibly triggering for me. (And at one point in time, I had watched quite literally all of them that existed on YouTube!) These videos did not teach me anything at all beneficial; instead, I learned sneaky ways to restrict food and hide my own eating disorder. These videos were my own versions of pro-ana (pro-anorexia) forums and Tumblr sites. They were my thinspirations as I used to say. This directly paralleled to when I later started following Instagram accounts and Pinterest boards for fitspirations. (Both inspirations were equally as problematic. Both fostered unhealthy eating and exercising habits in their own unique ways.) Either way, I was constantly comparing my body to others’ which further negatively affected my body image. 

As I wrap up this post, I want to bring awareness to these potentially harmful videos and websites. When I talked to one of my eating disorder therapists a couple years ago about how I sometimes binge watched “My Eating Disorder Story” videos, she looked at me blankly. She had never heard of these videos before. I explained to her how the comment sections were riddled with girls wishing they could look emaciated like the girls in the video. I tried to emphasize that I was not the only one who watched these videos; that these videos were more harmful than helpful for those currently struggling with eating disorders.

I also want to bring awareness to how unhelpful and non-comprehensive my middle school health class was when talking about mental illness, specifically eating disorders. For one, there are several more types of eating disorders than just anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder. Two, a lot of people suffer from eating disorders and are of a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. 

I also sincerely hope that the current curriculum does not demonize eating disorders like it did when I was first learning about them. This demonization 100% contributed to my fear and unwillingness to tell anyone what I was feeling and experiencing. I also internalized from the lesson that if I were not “skin and bones” like “Skeletor,” I was fine. 

These narratives need to change. Having an eating disorder does not make you any less beautiful or any less worthy of love. Even “Skeletor” deserves love and kindness.

So please, be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. And stay safe out there.

 

With love,

Emily

 

    PS: The Care & Keeping of You is actually a really good resource and I really wish it was utilized in my own middle school health classroom.