Friend Breakups and Forgiveness: My "Betty" Story

             

Last night I dreamed about someone I have not thought about in a long time. I woke up with a start, sweating. I still was not ready to think about her.

I met this girl at a very vulnerable time in my life, arguably the most vulnerable time of my life. Upon meeting, we connected immediately. I felt the weight of our connection seal our souls together indefinitely.

It felt like we could be friends forever- that we would be friends forever. I told her immediately about past friendships and relationships, traumas, hopes, dreams, and regrets. She told me hers.

At night we would cuddle close and watch dumb movies. We went on coffee and brunch dates. She took so many pictures of me.

After a few weeks of bliss, the energy in our friendship shifted dramatically. At first, I had no idea what was wrong. I felt so betrayed and confused. I ended up finding out that she was talking about me- sharing the trauma and insecurities that I had shared with her in the first week of knowing her. She was telling people things like, “She seems to only go after guys that are not good for her and that’s why she's had bad experiences.” “She talks about how almost every close friend she’s had has left her. If that is the case, maybe she’s the problem.” “She told me she is in recovery for an eating disorder, but I can see her engaging in eating disorder behaviors. I think we need to tell someone. I’m worried about her.”

I confronted her after hearing this and asked her why she was telling people things I told her in confidence. Her face flushed; she was speechless. I asked her why she would not talk to me about her concerns, instead of spreading it like wildfire to anyone and everyone else. After a short exchange of words and half apologies, she fled the room. We did not speak after this.

The things she said about me reverberated through my head; perhaps it was me- perhaps I was the sole reason my close friendships with people did not work. Perhaps I was toxic.

This was not the first or last time an intense friendship ended in such an awkward and ominous way. I have had my heart broken by friends on more than one occasion. I have always known, that for the most part, I have been as much at fault for a friendship ending as the other person had been; however, this girl’s words could not leave my mind. I was the common factor relentlessly echoed in my mind.

But this simply is not true.

A lot of these friendships were so intense, one could say they were homoerotic. With how much emotional effort and energy was put in the relationship on both ends, it is no wonder that the friend break-up felt so much like a romantic break-up.

It is no wonder I washed pages and pages of journals in tears and grief and anguish.

It has taken me a long time to learn this, but it does not matter that some of these friendships only lasted a few weeks, a few months, or just a year. Time does not matter; it is but a construct after all.

I needed to be kinder with myself in my healing. I still need to. I cannot control how quickly or slowly it happens. I can only absorb, process, and forgive.

Many of these friends were also going through a great deal of emotional pain and suffering at the same time I was. Whether or not we talked about it in each respective friendship, our suffering bonded us in a way that no other friendship I have had ever has.

Mental illness on both ends of my friendships has caused both me, as well as the other person, unintentional harm. Depression, especially, can make a person act selfishly. It is not an excuse for poor behavior, but it can help explain why someone is acting the way they are. I have always known this. 

I also knew deep down that, because I was a human being, I was not always going to be a perfect friend; I was going to make mistakes. I just wanted my friends to grant me the same benefit of the doubt.

However, I found myself being put on a pedestal by some of my friends. I held myself to high standards; however, some of my friends seemed to hold me to even higher ones.

In one instance (among far too many), several years ago, I was aware that one of my closest friends was going through a hard time. I decided I was going to surprise her with her favorite coffee and candy to try to make her feel better. When I got to her house, her face lit up. She got her phone out to take a picture of me handing her surprise coffee and candy. She then posted it on her Snapchat and Twitter.

When I went to check for the posts on both social media platforms, I did not see anything. I went to search for her handles, and nothing came up.

“Hey,” I said, “My phone might be glitching, but I can’t find you on Twitter and Snapchat.”

“Oh, that’s because I still have you blocked, sorry- I’ll unblock you” she said.

My cheeks flushed. My heart dropped to my stomach.

What had I done to her? I thought she was one of my closest friends…

Without asking why I had been blocked I said,

“Well I hope you feel better. I’m here for you, but I have to go- I was on my way back home.”

“Okay, see you later!” She said. She shut the door.

I felt hurt and used, but I never faulted this friend for continually doing this to me. I thought that because she was dealing with depression among other things, she could treat me poorly. Instead, I was most likely enabling this behavior by hardly ever calling it out.

When our friendship ultimately ended (we had a couple breakups and makeups), I was devastated and felt like it was solely my fault. I knew that this wasn't true- but- she ended the friendship the same way she dealt with any disagreement we had- by randomly blocking me on everything. This left me with infinite questions with no answers.

Like other friendship breakups I had prior to this one, as well as after, I did not get much closure. (Closure, by the way, I'm pretty sure is a myth. Unfortunately, most of the time in life, you will never get the closure you think you need.) The lack of closure still pained me greatly. But, instead of demanding answers from the friend during the breakup, I needed to reach peace within myself. I needed to learn to forgive them. I also needed to learn how to forgive myself. 

I needed to let them go.

I have always wished all my exes and ex-friends the best in life. I sincerely hope they all flourish and that they are in a better mental space.

I wish that they are happy.

I admit that I am still working on forgiveness in the case of some past friendships and relationships. My healing is not done; like the tide of the ocean, I must let my emotions ebb and flow.

This post was inspired by betty, from Taylor Swift’s latest album, folklore. I was reminded the importance of forgiveness and how emotionally intense friendships can be, especially in one’s late teens and early twenties.

Friend break-ups are a real thing. Even Taylor Swift can agree with me on that. So please, if you are still healing from a friend break-up, be kind to yourself. Your grief is okay, and it is valid. Healing from anything is not linear, whether it is healing from loss of a loved one, a romantic break-up, a friend break-up, or loss of identity. Be patient.

Keep going. I believe in you.

With love,

Emily