How Pilates Saved My Mental Health and Made Me the Strongest I've Ever Been

             

About three weeks into quarantine, I hurt my ankle due to overuse. (I was running five to six miles a day, which was my highest consistent mileage in two years.) I am not completely sure what I did to it as I never went to a doctor- I am assuming I acquired either a stress fracture, tendonitis, shin splints, or perhaps some type of tear. I had to get a brace from CVS so I could still go out on my two-hour walks. Running was out of the question for two and a half months.

              Because I initially used running during quarantine as a coping mechanism from shifting from regular in-person social interaction to total physical isolation, I felt extremely anxious and a little depressed. I genuinely did not know how to fill my time. Running, stretching, and showering took up a significant part of my day- at times over two hours of it. Also, after running, I had a clear mind. I felt like I could take on the world even through such uncertainty.

So now what was I to do?

YouTube home workouts.

Prior to COVID-19, I had basically stopped watching YouTube. Logging back on felt surreal. I was no longer interested in half the people I was subscribed to. However, I was still extremely interested in YouTuber, Natacha Oceane, who discussed nutrition, fitness, and had multiple low impact HIIT (high intensity interval training) work outs on her page. Her movements were creative, effective, and did not hurt my ankle. They made me feel strong.

More workout videos were recommended to me by Mad Fit and blogilates. Mad Fit’s workouts were a lot like Natacha’s, just a little more dancer oriented. I still enjoyed them, but they were not as easy for me to get through.

The first blogilates video I attempted was an Instagram Live in late April. I remember feeling like I was dying during the 45-minute Pilates workout- and yet, blogilates founder, Cassey Ho was talking comfortably and giving lengthy pep talks the entire time!

I was not used to struggling during workouts. (I consider myself a seasoned athlete.)

I was incredibly sore from her workout for days after.

              I was immediately intrigued. I had found a challenge. I had never been interested in Pilates before trying out Cassey Ho’s Instagram Live; but now I was hooked. I started doing her May 2020 weekly challenges- first week was abs, second was butt, third was arms, and fourth was legs. Although I do not believe in spot training or reduction, these workouts challenged me in a way only running ever had. I felt the same joy and determination that I felt on a hard run as I felt doing Pilates workouts. I am still perplexed by how much I enjoyed Cassey Ho’s videos.

              I moved onto her Summer Sculpt Series in June. The first week was the most difficult for me, as I was still unfamiliar with a lot of the moves. I felt like a fish out of water. I came to the realization that this was the first time in years that I was actively building muscle memory.

              In July, I finally felt ready to try out her free monthly calendar. Like the Summer Sculpt Series, each day focused on a specific body part. One out of the seven days was designated solely for stretching, which I greatly appreciated. Lord knows I would not have taken a rest day otherwise.

              I love Cassey’s calendar workouts because I enjoy being told exactly what to do in terms of working out. I desperately miss being coached; and it genuinely feels like Cassey Ho is my personal trainer. I appreciate how she talks endlessly during her workouts about her own life and how working out should bring joy, not misery. Cassey discusses in many of her videos the importance of not obsessing over weight goals or aesthetics. She has been incredibly open about the fact she has suffered from disordered eating and overtraining in the past and does not condone it. She would not wish that kind of suffering on anyone. As someone in eating disorder recovery, these are words from coaches and trainers that I yearn to hear.

              Although Cassey dropped a significant amount of weight in her 90-day fitness journey in 2019, I still see her as a body positive fitness influencer. She has made it clear that her weight loss, although may be triggering, feels good to her and is sustainable. She has sustained this weight now for almost a year and, as far as I can tell, is glowing. Critics in the past have accosted her for being too fat to be a Pilates instructor, and critics now say she is too skinny and that she is a hypocrite.

I truly feel sorry for her in that no matter what weight she is, someone somewhere will be disapproving. Because Cassey preaches positivity and self-love in all her videos, I personally believe she is in a good place in her journey. I think someone is truly recovered from an eating disorder when weight loss or weight gain does not affect their mental health. From watching hundreds of her videos, I genuinely think Cassey has achieved this.

I keep watching and following her videos and her journey because I too wish to achieve this.

I am currently the strongest, yet the heaviest I have ever been. AND I feel good about it. I am now able to finish all of Cassey’s videos.

I am now able to hike mountains and run short distances faster than ever before. I can hold minutes long planks. And- I can even do real push-ups now!

Although I am not running as much as I used to, I am happy with my fitness. I feel strong. I feel empowered. I feel like I can take on the world again.

Remember, be kind. Wear a mask. And stay safe out there.

With love,

Emily