Girl Crushes and My Eating Disorder: The Why Part 3

         

    When I was kid, I very much disliked boys. I thought they were gross, mean, and overly competitive. I tried my best to avoid them if possible. I was not interested in befriending or gaining attention from any of them until I hit eighth grade. 

              When I did start liking boys, my crushes were few and far between. I thought that I was just really picky when it came to who I had a crush on, or perhaps even asexual. Up until now as I am writing this, I can count on one or two hands how many boys/guys in total I have had a crush on.

It took my time in Walden Behavioral Care’s partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder that I started to question my sexuality. Some of the people I was in treatment with were always talking about how much they loved pride. I had no idea what pride even was. I naively thought it was a music festival. When I got home, I researched pride and felt very stupid. It was a worldwide parade and celebration for LGBTQ people.

              At that point, I considered myself an ally towards LGBTQ people. I could not possibly be part of it myself. I liked guys. I had only ever dated guys. I wanted attention from guys. Therefore, I must be straight. Yes, I thought girls were beautiful and soft and lovely and magical… but that was because I wanted to be like them, right? Why else was I endlessly comparing myself to them and using that agony to fuel my eating disorder?

Well, that’s the thing, while my eating disorder served me a lot of things, it also served to mask my true sexuality. I convinced myself that I wanted to be as skinny and pretty as the girls I compared myself to. It has taken most of my life to figure out that much of this fixation came out of me wanting to be with them, not be them.

              It was not until I was in the ugly throes of recovery, which was during the first semester of my junior of college, that I finally came to realize that I also liked girls. Once my eating disorder loosened its hold on my way of life, on my worldview, I was able to see myself, and the world, with more clarity. (Here I am including a picture from during that time. And yes, yikes, what a challenging time.)

It seemed obvious looking back that I had always liked girls. In high school and college, I remember always talking about my “girl crushes.” These were girls who I thought were very pretty and cool but also intimidating. My heart would race, and my face would flush when I talked to these girls. I never seemed to be able to say what I wanted to say around them.

In my mind, everyone, even straight women, had “girl crushes.” I was shocked when I found out that most straight girls did not in fact have “girl crushes” – at least not in the way that I had them.

I realized my first “girl crush,” or rather, crush, was on one of my girl friends in fourth grade. I also came to understand that I did have a lot of crushes growing up; they just were not on boys. I most definitely was not asexual like I had previously contemplated.

I also came to understand that I had many celebrity crushes growing; they just were not on boys. (I mean, as a kid, I remember I was obsessed with Keira Knightly from Pirates of the Caribbean and Amanda Seyfried from Mamma Mia. I did not understand that these obsessions were just innocent celebrity crushes.)

Additionally, in my first couple years of college, I had several intense friendships with other girls. Looking back, a lot of these friendships had pieces of them that were very reminiscent of pieces of romantic relationships. (Obviously without the sexual part.)

              So how did I not figure this out sooner? I grew up in a loving, non-homophobic household, so how and why did I repress my sexuality?

              Well, I grew up going to a school where it was not safe to be gay. As inclusive as it seemed, and as diverse as it was, it was not safe for LGBTQ kids. The school’s culture contributed to many of us, me included, having internalized homophobia.

In middle school, kids would call one of the female gym teachers a “lesbian” as an insult. They accused this gym teacher of being a pedophile as she monitored the girls’ locker room during gym class. Although, she was just doing her job and never watched any of us change (to my knowledge), she was strict and had short hair and therefore was targeted.

In another instance, one of my friends in middle school told me she was bipolar and bisexual. I would get the two mixed up a lot (as both words have “bi” in them). At one point, I was so confused that I believed pedophilia, lesbianism, and bipolar disorder all went hand in hand. I was a very uninformed and confused sixth grader if you could not tell. But no wonder I had internalized so much homophobia.

Not only were some teachers targeted and harassed, kids who even “looked” gay were bullied.

(Side note, record scratch, before I go any further, a lot of girls were slut-shamed for “looking” like they had been with a lot of guys. This was just as ridiculous as kids bullying kids for “looking” gay. But at the time, I remember believing that the girls who were bullied for “looking” like sluts, were sluts and the people who were being bullied for “looking” gay were gay. In that sense I believed that the bullying they endured was somewhat warranted. Why would you flaunt being “gay” or a “slut” if you were not ready for the abuse that would ensue. I know, this thinking was super problematic, but this was also middle school.)

In middle and high school, the word, “faggot,” was thrown around just as much as “retarded,” or the n word was. It was all insensitive; but we were all used to it.

In high school specifically, I remember some girls, who had a history dating guys, would start to date girls. People, mainly guys, would label these girls as “attention seekers.” Or they would say, “These girls didn’t actually like girls, they just wanted to spite the guys that they had been with.” These claims are all ridiculous and very middle school-y. Yet I ashamedly also kind of believed them.

This is the reason why I unknowingly suppressed my own sexuality and why, for the most part, a lot of LGBTQ kids in my high school could not and did not come out. My school’s internalized homophobia made it very difficult for anyone to feel safe.

I recently had a conversation with someone I went to high school with that agreed with this sentiment. They, like me, also now identify as bisexual and share the same sentiment that it was not safe to be LGBT or Q in high school.

In the end, the combination of going to a homophobic middle and high school, and my eating disorder, allowed me to live in blissful ignorance of who I was and what I wanted. I never seriously questioned anything when I was in the throes of my eating disorder. As I have talked about in previous posts, my eating disorder prevented me from growing.

I am incredibly thankful to friends and family who have been supportive during my recovery and of my journey to finding myself and my sexuality. It is a relief to finally know that I can like both guys and girls.

As always, stay safe out there, be kind, and wear a mask.

With love,

Emily