Confessions of A Musical Addict

Although I participated in youth theater between the ages of five and twelve, I never would have described myself as a theater kid. Then again, perhaps that’s because I would only get lame parts i.e. roles like “a part of Kaa the snake” (from The Jungle Book). 

However, despite my unimpressive and disappointing career in theater, I became entranced with the world of musicals my sophomore year of highschool after the cinematic debut of Les Miserables in 2012. My whole personality revolved around Les Mis. I read all 1000 or some odd pages of Victor Hugo’s insufferable novel. I sang On My Own in the shower and pretended that I was part of a tragic love triangle. I purchased three different stage recordings of the show, including the french and 10th anniversary version. I started to view my own world in relation to the storyline and characters in Les Mis. 

This obsession spiral happened again with the debut of Frozen in 2014, and then again when I saw an off Broadway production of Wicked later that year. I mean, come on, how could you not be obsessed with two strong, independent witches who are true to themselves, who also both happen to be voiced by the amazing Idina Menzel? 

And then Hamilton emerged. 

I didn’t listen to Hamilton until the Spring of 2016- which was during my freshman year of college. I listened to it again and again and again. My obsession spiral began anew. I ran and worked out to the soundtrack, memorizing every song and pulling at straws to relate to each storyline. 

“Hey I’m only 19 but my mind is older!” I thought, as a naive 19 year old. 

I remember sobbing in the car and singing along to the break-up song, Burn, after breaking up with my then boyfriend- which is probably the most dramatic thing I’ve ever done. (And yet I still didn’t think I was a theater nerd!) If it wasn’t obvious already, I desperately wanted to see the show live. 

However, for the first couple years after Hamilton first debuted, it was impossible to get a ticket. The ticket prices were astronomical. Even if you did have the money to purchase a ticket, all of the seats were booked months in advance. I must have entered the Hamilton lottery 400 times. (If you’re not familiar with the Hamilton lottery, it was a lottery that any regular person could enter to get a chance to see Hamilton for just $10 in either- at the time that I was entering- San Francisco, New York City, or London, England.) I never had any luck. Most people didn’t. It was a lottery after all. 

Oh but how I envied those that won the lottery. I envied those that had the money to see it. To satiate my hunger to see the original cast, I looked up illegal recordings on Youtube. However, most of the time, they were taken down or the quality was so low that it wasn’t worth it.

I finally did end up seeing the musical off Broadway with my mom in December of 2018. Except, I was ashamedly unimpressed. I vastly appreciated my privilege in being able to see it. (It was still difficult to get tickets even off Broadway.) However, I desperately craved the voices of the original cast. But I knew that would never be possible.

Until now.

Hamilton debuted on Disney+ July 3rd, 2020. I have seen it twice since then. And yes, I sang along the whole way through both times. Watching the original cast members perform Hamilton validated my opinion of the live performance that I had seen off Broadway. The filmed recording of the original cast is absolutely breathtaking and in my opinion, incomparable to the live performance I saw a couple years ago. The original actors as well as the ensemble are supremely talented. When I first watched the filmed recording, I felt a swell of relief in being able to match the faces to the voices I’ve listened to over and over and over again. 

Being able to see the actors’ expressions and small movements was incredible as well as incredibly eye opening. I became aware that I’ve never been able to see any actor’s facial expressions in any of the musicals I’ve seen in audience. Most theater-goers do not get the privilege of seeing actors’ faces. That is only reserved for the most affluent. (I've included my views of the stage of shows that I have seen for perspective.)

Broadway theater, and theater in general, is not accessible to the majority of people. It is reserved mostly for wealthy white people, and even then, access is difficult unless you live near New York City. (Keep in mind that it’s not only an expensive show ticket, but also an expensive train or plane ticket and perhaps even a hotel stay.)

 No wonder there are few people of color and Black people who get into Broadway. It was never made accessible to them, first off, because they are hardly represented (or they are represented very poorly in musicals; i.e. West Side Story). Second, it’s a very expensive endeavor. Hamilton has helped to diversify casting in theater, and although it is another story about a cis white man, it has helped to make theater more inclusive. 

Better yet, the fact that Hamilton has been released to the public on Disney+, has made the show even more inclusive and accessible. Every filmed musical should be released to the public for private viewing. That way it can be viewed and critiqued by not only an affluent, and primarily white audience, it can also be reviewed by people of a variety of demographics, which can help to diversify theater further. (Toni Morrison, a prolific Black author who passed away about a year ago, hated Hamilton. So much so, that she helped to fund a play critiquing Hamilton called The Haunting of Lin Manuel Miranda- yet I only recently learned of this a couple months ago!)

More backlash has recently ensued against Lin Manuel Miranda in this time of COVID-19 and the Black Lives Matter movement. This is due to news of the musical streaming on Disney+. Critics lament that Lin Manuel Miranda, while being a white passing man (and has sung the “n” word in songs- yikes!)has unfairly capitalized on black culture by writing a specifically rap and R&B musical. 

Also, Alexander Hamilton, while he owned no slaves himself, helped facilitate slave trade when he was a teenager and, later on in life, within his wife’s family. Moreover, he remained complicit. Why push a narrative that still includes a bunch of slave owning white dudes? Especially when most Black Americans cannot trace their own histories because of the cultural erasure that was slavery. 

I hear the critique. I really do. However, I still enjoy viewing and listening to Miranda’s musical. At one point, Hamilton was my identity, as was Les Mis, as was Frozen (and more recently, Frozen II), as was Moana, as was Wicked, and as was Dear Evan Hansen. Musicals have been a lifeline to me. When I didn’t have friends, or when I felt like I didn’t have friends, I had musicals. They have been my saving grace. (I know that sounds very silly and very theater nerdy but it’s true.) 

Because of my obsession with musicals, I dissect them thoroughly. (It’s fun for me.) Because of this, I feel that I am able to think about them critically. And more broadly, with so much more time on my hands these days, I am able to think about theater itself more critically. 

And in lieu of recent criticisms of Hamilton, I can’t help but think to myself, that that’s exactly what art is supposed to do- it’s supposed to challenge and in turn, be challenged.