The Real Reason Why Comparison is The Thief of Joy

 

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” or however the saying goes.

From my own experience, I have found this to be true. However, my therapist recently brought up to me that this phrase leaves out one key detail about comparison. Comparison is unavoidable. It is programmed into all human beings. Comparison can also be incredibly useful and necessary when problem solving and/or analyzing a situation. However, it can be harmful when it comes to comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, or even to our past selves, we often feel sad, jealous, angry, lonely, or hopeless. While these are negative feelings, they are also all normal and valid feelings.

We cannot help comparison as much as we cannot help the negative feelings that come with it. What we can help is whether we linger on these negative feelings and how we respond to them.

I have always had a bad habit of constantly comparing myself to others. Whether it was seeing friends get better grades than me, seeing peers get into “better” colleges than me, seeing acquaintances get “better” jobs than me, seeing classmates get awards, I have compared my own situation to theirs and have ended up feeling jealous, hopeless, and resentful. I would also ruminate in these negative emotions and later feel guilty and ashamed for engaging in comparison to begin with. This thought cycle would leave me feeling worse than I felt when initially making the comparison. I was engaging in “dirty pain.”

I believe this cycle of comparison, rumination, and guilt enabled my eating disorder.

When my eating disorder was at its worst, I would carefully, obsessively, watch how much food my friends and family would eat at mealtimes and would make sure I ate less than them. I would analyze other people’s bodies and determine whether I was skinnier than them. (Funny enough, because of my body dysmorphia, I determined almost everyone was skinnier than me. Looking back, comparing myself in this way was plain masochism.) I would also compare my teammates’ running times to my own and berate myself if a teammate who was once slower than me caught up to or became faster than me.

Although I do not compare my body or running times to other people’s bodies or running times as often as I used to, I am still guilty of it. For the most part, now that I am in strong recovery, I find myself ruminating less on negative feelings of jealousy and self-loathing when comparing myself with others. I feel less dirty pain. I do not let comparing myself to others ruin my day.

I do, however, currently find myself indulging in comparison when it is with myself. (I say indulging because I notice I actively seek to compare my current self to my past self.) Although I try my hardest to avoid looking at old pictures and wearing old clothes, it can be difficult to fight off my eating disorder’s nostalgia for my sick body. My eating disorder still occasionally fuels my desire to compare. When I do compare my current body to my sick body, I sometimes feel upset.

I feel that I really do miss my sick body.

Other times, most times, I am grateful for the strong body I have now.

Now that I have started running more again, I have been comparing my current average running splits to the splits I ran in college. This is not fair to myself as I have nowhere near the endurance I had in college; however, I compare anyway.

              And as strange as it is, that is okay. It is okay that I compare. It is okay to feel negative emotions because of it. What is not okay is ruminating in these emotions and allowing them to influence my actions. What is not okay is feeling shame for comparing, or engaging in dirty pain, when, after all, comparison cannot be prevented.

              I admit, I still must work on being kinder to myself. Although I have made great strides in being kinder to myself, I still have work to do. And that is okay. Recovery is not perfect. The process takes time. It takes practice. It requires intention.

              And it is not just me who struggles with comparison. We all compare ourselves to others in some shape or form. Social media has made it amazingly easy to do so. It is harder than ever to escape comparison. Because of this, we all need to practice being kind to ourselves.

My advice: Take breaks from social media. Stop scrolling endlessly. (This is advice from me to me right now. I do need to spend less time on social media.)

Avoid the mirror, or the scale, or tight clothes if they are not going to make you feel good. Tell yourself that you are beautiful. (I know, ew, cringe. But studies show it works!)

              All in all, comparison should not be perceived as a bad thing. It should not be moralized like it is so often today.

For so long, I felt so much guilt for engaging in comparison. If I had known that the act itself was not bad, perhaps I would not have developed as serious of an eating disorder or an eating disorder at all.

Acknowledging how you compare others to yourself and your emotions that come with it are the first steps in not letting comparison dictate your day. Seeing a picture of a slim Instagram influencer, or a viewing time hop of yourself from years ago should not have the power to ruin your day.

              Be kind to yourself. Do not punish yourself for comparing yourself to others. Everyone does it. Trust me. Just do not let it ruin your day, your week, your month, or your year. Nothing should have that much power.

              Be gentle with yourself.

              With love,

              Emily