Why I Quit My Job During a Pandemic

 

              Yesterday, on my Instagram story, I conducted a poll on whether I should talk about “overreacting to COVID-19” or “hope and hopelessness.” I started off this post with “hope and hopelessness” in mind but realized I could not talk about it without talking about COVID-19. I also realized that I could not talk about either topic without talking about my job situation. I did not necessarily want to talk publicly about my job situation, but I would be lying if I said it has not impacted every aspect of my life.

The last couple months have been my hardest months of 2020. This is largely attributed to the stress of the pandemic as well as my work situation.

              I was starting to feel burned out of my job as a Behavior Interventionist right before the country shut down in March due to COVID-19. Quickly after the start of the shutdown, we were told that we would work remotely with our students. Working remotely was a blessing and a curse. I was relieved to have a much-needed break; however, I began to break as I spent more and more time in isolation.

              We were informed at the end of the school year that Behavior Interventionists would be furloughed for the summer and that we would most likely be brought back on in August for the Fall semester. All of us had to file for unemployment.

              Very few of us saw any unemployment benefits until the end of the August, right at the start of the Fall semester. This was due to the overwhelm of unemployment benefit applications at the Department of Labor as well as employer error.

              I felt pressured to come back to work because I had not received any money of any kind since the beginning of July. I did not know if I would ever see my unemployment benefits, so I figured I had no choice but to go back to work.

              I was extremely hesitant to go back because I did not feel comfortable being less than six feet apart from students who did not wear masks inside a building. At this point, I was scared to eat at restaurants inside. I scrubbed my entire body immediately after going into the grocery store. Because of this, I could not imagine how it could be safe to open my private, for-profit school for students with disabilities during a pandemic.

              However, I had been applying to remote jobs all summer with no luck. It seemed I had to go back to my job.

              My fears and concerns only increased as I began work again and as students began coming back to school.

              For one, we did not have adequate PPE. For the first couple weeks, we unknowingly were not in compliance with proper KN-95 use. We also did not have access to gowns or scrubs that we were promised at the start of the Fall semester. At times, cleaning supplies were inaccessible or difficult to find. For a week or two, we used non-disinfectant cleaner to sanitize student spaces thinking that it was a disinfectant. Students who improperly or did not wear a mask at all, rode in the same van together. I was also still directly dealing with bodily fluids on a regular basis.

My workplace felt like a hazardous environment.

              I went to work every day as positive as I could be even with all these hurdles. And although I finally received my unemployment benefits after my first week back at work, I was still angry at my employer for the lack of support during the furlough period as well as the lack of apology for error in their paperwork. I went to work angry, tried my best to be positive during the day, and left work even angrier than when I had arrived.

              I started online therapy to cope with the stress of my job. (Although my job was stressful before, the pandemic made it infinitely more stressful.) My therapist and I brainstormed strategies to cope with work. My therapist also validated my worry and concern about the students’ as well as staff’s safety.

              But it was still difficult. I had an extremely hard time showing up and being present with my students. I felt helpless and hopeless about the PPE situation. I could feel myself burning out all over again, this time at mock 10 speed. I left work in tears more days out of the week than not.

              I felt trapped.

              I did not know what to do.

              I knew I wanted to go to grad school, but I also knew I did not want to do it via online learning. I knew I wanted to focus on my writing more. I wanted to get paid for my writing; I did not care if it was for a lawnmowing service or healing crystals. Writing is what I felt the most comfortable with during a pandemic. It felt the safest. But I never got any follow-up from any of my applications.

              I was terrified to work at a public school doing similar work because I had no idea if they had adequate PPE or if students tolerated masks. I was also terrified that my exhaustion and apathy from burn-out from my current job would transfer over to my next job.

              Although these concerns felt paralyzing, I started applying to other jobs at public schools. I interviewed and got job offers from a couple districts. From these interviews, it sounded that working in a public-school setting would be safer and better. I would be part of a union and everything. I would even get a lunch break for my first time ever.

              It still felt scary to leave my current job. I had been thinking about it since February; but I was terrified, nonetheless. I mean, I was good at my job. At one point, I remember legitimately loving my job. I had good relationships with my students and my coworkers. Did I really need to leave?

              Well, yes. My fear and anxiety over the pandemic simply were not shared by anyone else I worked with. My coworkers and superiors were okay with, what I felt, sub-par safety measures and were okay with so many things that I simply was not okay with.

              So, I accepted a job as a paraprofessional in a public middle school and put my two weeks in at my current employment on the same day.

              I tried my best to continue to show up to work but had to take a couple mental and physical health days in my last two weeks.

              My decision to leave my current job was validated on my last day of work. A student that I had consistently worked with since the start of my employment attempted to take off my safety glasses and mask off for the first time. The student did not relent until I left the room. My eye was scratched, but I was for the most part okay. However, this incident triggered me in a way I was not prepared for. All the sudden, I experienced flashbacks of being choked and bit by the same student, memories that I had suppressed because I was told by coworkers and superiors that it was not that bad.

              I drove home silently and in tears. I knew I was making the right choice to leave. I was done experiencing trauma at work and feeling invalidated for my natural reactions to each trauma.

              I needed to leave the situation I was in to heal. I had to hope that my next job would be less intense and that my experiences would not be invalidated. I had to hope that a different environment, one that was less exploitive, would be better for me and allow me to do the things I had missed doing. I could coach cross country again. I could have more time to write. I could have the energy to play the flute for a virtual ensemble. I could go home and feel calm.

              I want to thank my coworkers, ex-coworkers, friends, and family for helping me to get through this hard time. Your kindness and empathy have not gone unnoticed.

              I start my new job on Monday.

              I cannot wait to see what this new chapter brings me.

              With love,

              Emily

* this picture serves as a metaphor for the positive energy I want to put out into the world*