Accepting My Changing Body

 

*me, 10/04/2020*

During my sophomore year of college, when the voice of my eating disorder was at its loudest, I gave a body positive pep talk to one of my cross-country teammates. We were eating lunch together and in the dining hall when she confessed to me her worries about her weight.

              “Em, I really let myself go this semester. I gained 10 pounds!” She said.

              “Hey, it’s really okay. I can hardly tell. Honestly.” I responded, suddenly hyper-aware of my own body and how it looked.

              “Really? Well I can tell. I have boobs now! I’ve never really had boobs before. I think I really need to start seriously getting back into running again.” She said, looking down.

              “It’s the off-season! There is no reason to over-do it. It is okay to indulge and it is okay to take it easy.” I replied, thinking about the extra workout I was going to do later.

              “Ugh. You’re right. You’re right. I just need to lay off dessert. I’ve been eating dessert after practically every meal. I have no self control!” She said, eyeing her brownie.

              “Hey, hey. Have the brownie. You’re being too hard on yourself. It’s really okay.” I said, thinking about how if I calculated my calories right, then maybe I too could have a brownie.

              “Ugh, I know. I just miss how I looked during cross country season.” She said, taking a bite of her brownie.

              “Dude, I have literally had all the same thoughts that you’re having right now. I also gained weight since cross country season and, more generally since high school. Like you, I also freaked out about it. But, as far as I know, no one noticed besides me, just like how I bet no one noticed besides you.

All I have to say is that it’s hard seeing your body change, especially when you have been so used to seeing it a certain way for so long. But guess what, we’re not supposed to look like our high school selves forever, just how we’re not supposed to think like our high school selves forever. College and the years that follow are years for growing into ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. We are going to change and our bodies are going to change. And that’s what growing up is all about.” I said, wishing I could believe my own words.

              “Em, you’re so right. That is helpful to think about. It really does not make sense to expect my body to stay the same as it was in high school. I am growing and changing and for once am going out of my comfort zone, which I never did in high school.” She said enthusiastically.

              “There you go! That’s the spirit!” I said with a smile. I then put my hand on her shoulder and said,

              “But if you ever need to talk to someone about any of this, call or text me. I’m here for you. You are not alone.” I said, more seriously.

              “Thanks, Em; I’ll take you up on that.” She said.

I think about this conversation all the time. I gave her the kindness and grace I so desperately wished I could give myself.

I think about how my teammate absorbed these words and how I possibly prevented her from going down the same spiral I went down.

I think about this conversation today as I write this post.

These last few weeks have been particularly stressful for me. I have also noticed that in these last few weeks that I have had more intrusive, negative thoughts about my body. This is not a coincidence.

When life becomes stressful for me, I am my most vulnerable to the voice of my eating disorder. This is because for a large chunk of my life, my eating disorder was my only coping mechanism. (I have a lot more now!)

I know this.

Yet, in stressful times, I find myself occasionally falling victim to the bully that is my eating disorder.

In these last few, particularly stressful weeks, I have had trouble recognizing myself in the mirror. I have thought to myself,

“I look so different than I did just a year ago. How could I have changed so much? How could I have let myself go?”

When I look into the mirror, I look myself up and down, pausing to scrutinize my thighs and arms and stomach. I wonder how and when they got larger.

I know logically they have not actually gotten larger, in the last year at least, because I still fit in my clothes from a year ago fine. In these instances where the voice of my eating disorder mercilessly invades my thoughts, I try my best to use logic. Logic challenges my intrusive thoughts and helps to an extent; but it does not necessarily get rid of the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred and guilt I find lingering in the pit of my stomach.

In these times, I close my eyes and recite the conversation I had with my teammate like a mantra. I think to myself, “If she could believe it, I could believe it; If she could believe it, I could believe it,” and so on until I have calmed myself down and slowly start to re-recognize myself again.

              Sometimes, this does not even work. In these instances, I try to avoid the mirror or tight clothes altogether, anything to silence the voice of my eating disorder. And that is okay. I know there are better days ahead of me, days where I will not hear the voice of my eating disorder.

              I have come to the understanding that sometimes you can go six days, six weeks, six months, or six years without your eating disorder paying a visit. But, unfortunately, it is never completely gone. To fully accept recovery, you must understand that recovery is not linear and that there is always risk for lapses and relapses. But when you do choose recovery, when you make that promise to yourself, the relapses and the lapses get shorter. And the time between each relapse and lapse gets longer and longer.

              Recovery is as hard as it is worth it. It is also something I must constantly, actively choose.

              So yeah, it’s been a rough few weeks. But I also know it will end. Better days are coming.

              Stay safe out there.

              With Love,

              Emily