How the Pandemic Has Thrown a Wrench in My Eating Disorder Recovery

    Today I want to discuss how self-isolation and disruption of routines due to COVID-19 has negatively impacted my eating disorder recovery, and, more generally, my mental health. 

    Pictured above is a photo from a self-timer photo shoot. I took several photos like this in the hope that it would help me cheer up and overall feel better about my body. And I am happy to say, it did. :)

    Trigger warning: language centered around weight, body image, body dysmorphia

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Eating Disorders are known to thrive in isolation.

At my worst, the voice of my eating disorder convinced me that it was in my best interest that I did most things on my own. That way, I would not cause anyone unnecessary worry or be a burden. Because I blindly followed this logic, I ate most meals on my own, exercised on my own, and spent most nights on my own. People in my life were, for the most part, unaware that I was eating too little, exercising too much, and taking laxatives. No one really knew how much my eating disorder was truly impacting my life.

During those lonely times, I sought comfort in my eating disorder rather than the people in my life.

              My life in self-isolation due to COVID-19 looks remarkably like my life when I was in the throes of my eating disorder. Because of the pandemic, I, again, eat most of my meals on my own, exercise on my own, and spend most of my time on my own.

Because of these similarities, I have sought comfort in some of my old eating disorder thinking and behaviors during this time in self-isolation.

It has been difficult not to.

The last time I did spend this much time by myself, I at least had my eating disorder to keep me company.

The challenge I face now as someone in eating disorder recovery during a pandemic, has been to find other things to do other than going to work, going to school, seeing people, and engaging in eating disorder behaviors. It has required building new routines after all my old ones have been dismantled. And that has been exceedingly difficult.

Because my eating disorder has unfortunately been the most tangible and familiar outlet in this time of uncertainty, I have, occasionally, accidentally slipped into old eating disorder behaviors and ways of thinking.

In the beginning of Quarantine, I was very conscious in making a new routine for myself. However, this new routine was not sustainable. I centered my entire day around going for a hard five to six-mile run. I was very methodical with my meals, eating the same thing at the same time every day.

Because of lack of rest and diversity in my diet and exercise, I injured my ankle a few weeks after beginning this routine. This caused me to feel slightly unhinged and lost. I tried combatting this discomfort with going for long walks, continuing to eat consistent meals, and completing at home workouts. However, without my daily run, I realized my coping mechanism for stress was gone. Because of this, it was much easier for me to fall into old patterns of behaviors and thinking- especially when I visited home for a couple days in June.

When I caught up with my parents and brother, they all raved about how much weight they lost in Quarantine. I had a sinking feeling this was not true for me.

As I did not have a scale in my apartment, I did not know how much I weighed at all during Quarantine. So, I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months on the scale at my parents’ house- fully knowing that if I saw a number I did not like, I would spiral. It was almost as if I wanted to give myself permission to spiral. I felt it necessary to confirm that my paranoid eating disorder thoughts in the back of my mind were not baseless.

So, I stepped on the scale. When the numbers stopped flickering on the scale, I watched the number settle on a value that I did not like. This same scale that weighed me at my lightest, now weighed me at my never-before-seen, heaviest. I felt mortified, but also, in a self-destructive way, smug. I did have reason to believe the voice of my eating disorder. I had gained weight.

*Disclaimer, this number is only fifteen pounds away from my lowest weight ever. Prior to COVID-19, I was only four pounds lighter. And! This weight gain was probably due to an increase in muscle mass. Nevertheless, seeing that number in that moment was enough to send me in a mini spiral. *

Looking back, I should not have weighed myself, especially knowing that weighing myself would most likely upset me. However, I did it because in a moment of weakness, I listened to the voice of my eating disorder. I allowed myself to be triggered.

When I am triggered, I feel a wave of panic and feel deeply uncomfortable in my body. I am overwhelmed with hatred towards my body. I also am more prone body dysmorphia.

(Months after this trigger, I am still dealing with the lingering voice of my eating disorder and bad body image and body dysmorphia days; however, it is all much more manageable. I was able to weigh myself, see the same number, and not feel any differently about myself afterwards. I am in a much better place from that trigger moment.)

For those who are unfamiliar with body dysmorphia, body dysmorphia makes it extremely difficult to trust how you physically see yourself. For me, on bad days, when I look in the mirror, I see a significantly fatter version of myself staring back at me. When I am experiencing body dysmorphia, it is as if I am wearing clown mirror goggles. My body looks distorted.

Specifically when I first look at pictures taken of me, I am initially disgusted by how I look. A couple hours or days need to pass for me to see myself for how I truly look. Pictured below is a picture that, at first, I was disgusted by, but later on, thought that it was actually a pretty good picture of me. This is to show how warped my perception of my body really is. 

This thinking and perception can happen even if I have not gained weight. It is every bit psychological and has even happened to me when I have lost weight. But because I still have a deep-seated internalized fear of gaining weight, just imagining that I have gained weight can be triggering.

In general, because I can now look at myself in my phone camera or the mirror at any point in the day, it is more difficult to see what I truly look like. In turn, it is more difficult for me to break out of negative thought-spirals. Little things like weighing myself trigger me more easily than they did pre-pandemic. As previously mentioned, prior to COVID-19 I was able to weigh myself without fear or loathing! The pandemic has caused me, along with many other people with active as well as inactive eating disorders, to resort to maladaptive thinking and behaviors.

I wrote this post in response to a recent article in the Hartford Courant on teens struggling with eating disorders during the pandemic and how increasingly difficult it can be to deal with when routines and social circles are broken. Here is my own story in how I have also found it more difficult to ignore the voice of my eating disorder during COVID-19.

Many people are suffering from an increase in mental illness during this pandemic. To those who are suffering out there, you are not alone. There is no shame in admitting your struggles or lapses.

Be kind to yourself and stay safe out there.

With love,

Emily