Surviving COVID-19 (so far- knock on wood!)

    Unemployment in the US has risen higher in just three months due to COVID-19 than it did in two years of the Great Recession. 

    Over 20.5 million US citizens are unemployed today. 

    I was not a part of these numbers until a couple days ago. After thinking I was safe from getting laid off due to COVID-19, I was subsequently furloughed until further notice on June 22nd, several months after the first wave of COVID-19 related unemployment. 

    However, beginning March 12th, I was reduced to remote work. I say reduced because while I had been working 35 hours a week on site pre COVID-19, I was only working an average of 10 hours a week remotely. I am lucky that I was still paid as if I were still working those 35 hours; but suddenly, I had a lot of time on my hands.

    As someone who struggles with anxiety, the sudden shift to staying home for an uncertain amount of time (with little to do) destroyed my perception of reality as well as sleep schedule.  I realized I suddenly had very little motivation to do the very minimal amount of work I was now required to do. 

    My job pre-Covid-19 required me to work 1:1 or 2:1 with a student with diagnosed behavioral disorders and/or Autism Spectrum Disorder all day long. My guard was constantly up. There was never a boring moment. In short, I lived for this job. My coworkers were my closest friends; and the students I worked with stole my whole heart. I had nothing left when I came home as I threw my entire being into my job.

    When moved to work remotely, which entailed filming various videos and talking to only one of my kids on zoom a couple times a week, I suddenly found myself having no motivation to do any of it. Admittedly, I did the bare minimum. It was difficult for me to feel that what I was doing was really making a difference in my students' lives.

    I was so used to working and being exhausted from work that I didn't know how to go about my day when Quarantine first started. For the first few weeks, I binge watched Netflix and Hulu shows. I'd go for a two hour long walk and do a short workout video. At some point the sun would set and the darkness would creep in. It was when it got dark that it got the hardest to be by myself. 

    It was in these dark moments that I wondered what I was doing with my life. Should I go back to school? But what would I go back to school for? Should I write a book? But what would it even be about? Should I shave my head? But what if I hated it?

    During the day I ignored these lingering questions and decided what I needed was a workout plan. I hungered for someone to just tell me what to do. As a recovering perfectionist, I love the control and sense of direction that comes with rules.

    I started following blogilates' workout calendar during the month of May. Her pilates workouts focussed on a certain part of the body each week. The first week was abs, the second, butt, the third, arms, and the fourth, legs. I structured my entire day around her workouts. Her videos became my church. She would surely lead me to some relief during such a dysregulated time.

       And then news of Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor's deaths disseminated upon social media. I remember feeling disgusted, but not surprised. Looking back, I realize I mainly felt apathy. As white Americans, we've been desensitized to Black people dying via police brutality and racist health care workers. And for some reason, it was the death of George Floyd that really kickstarted the white People Caring about Black Lives Matter movement. I say "White People Caring" because the Black Lives Matter movement has been around for years now. It seems only recently that white people have collectively started talking about racial injustice. Although I made a point to read Black literature and consume black art prior to Geore Floyd's death, I now started becoming exponentially more vocal about racial injustice after his death. I began posting hundreds of informative resources on my Twitter and Instagram accounts, something I hadn't previously done prior to COVID-19. I started listening to podcasts as well as buying books and products from Black authors and businesses. 

    I was throwing myself into this movement, forgetting about my anxiety around hardly working, and no longer obsessing about perfectly completing blogilates' workout calendar. I felt empowered and that I was directing my frustration, anxiety, and anger towards productivity. 

    As many people began to post about their normal lives after the initial anger towards George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery's deaths waned, I kept posting and educating myself and others about racial injustices, about defunding the police, and about the failed prison system. I felt good in this; that I was continuing the hard work because Black people couldn't choose to stop living with racism. It was a privilege that I even had the choice. I continue to question my white supremacy and racial biases even though I don't have to- even though most white people have stopped.

    And then the school year ended. A week later, I was notified of being furloughed until further notice. (Hopefully I would come back for the Fall, but nothing could be set in stone yet.) Strangely, I felt a wave of relief. I could finally do something else. I mean, I had to. I wasn't going to get paid otherwise. I updated my resumes, wrote countless cover letters, and applied to over twenty five jobs in two days. I still am in this process and decided to start a blog to hone in on my writing skills. (Boy, it has been awhile... I have not written anything this long since writing my college thesis on the power of language in relation to The Handmaid’s Tale and the Underground Railroad  in 2018.)

    And here I am, focussing on writing, decidedly dreaming about going back to school to become a counselor or therapist, and hoping (crossing my fingers) that someone will hire me to write for them. All in all I know that I am very very lucky. I just hope that my experience during this time has resonated with some of you.

Stay safe out there. 

With love,

Emily