Conversations With My Inner Critic

                   Motivation.

Motivation is something I, along with many people, generally struggle with even without a pandemic going on. In my previous post, I discussed my lack of motivation to do the minimal work that my job required me to do once I went remote. My working theory as to why this is is that I am the human embodiment of Newton’s first law of motion. If I’m in motion, it’s easy for me to stay in motion. But if I stop for whatever reason, it’s very difficult for me to find the energy to start up again. So when my job came to a halt, all of the sudden it was challenging for me to do even mundane tasks like grocery shopping once or every other week or merely keeping up with friends. My inner critic was telling me that because everything was so uncertain, I had to put everything on hold.

In a similar light, this is why summers in general are especially difficult for me to feel motivated. It’s very easy for me to sink into summertime sadness when my regular, fast paced routines stop or slow down due to the normal school year ending. That negative and intrusive inner critic inside me lulls me into complacency. Now that this summer is coinciding with a pandemic, I am trying my best to be proactive in an effort to lessen the blow of both complacency and the dreaded summertime sadness. This is why I am now trying out blog writing along with staying active and following a loose schedule. 

However prior to my first blog, about two months or so ago, I had a much more unrealistic goal in the hopes of keeping myself busy and staving off the sadness. I was determined to write a book in my time in social isolation. A whole novel. This was an incredibly lofty goal; but I thought, hey, I had the time to do it. I thought back to my last semester of senior year of college where I wrote a 25 page thesis while taking three other writing intensive classes. I also coached a middle school cross country team, interviewed for several jobs and maintained a social life. If I could survive that madness, I could definitely survive this madness.

So every day for a couple weeks, I would look at a blank Google Docs screen for hours. The blank page would stare right back at me, mocking me. I was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the pages and pages of creative flow required to write a book. I couldn’t write a single word. I felt paralyzed. Because of this, I let my inner critic decide for me that during Quarantine, it was going to be impossible for me to be creative. So I closed the Untitled Google Docs tab and put my aspirations for writing a book on the back burner. 

Looking back at this failed endeavor, I notice that I completely surrendered without question to my inner critic. I had forgotten that I think most creatively and feel the most productive and motivated when I have a structured and fulfilling day, whether that be working at a meaningful job or living my life as it was in college where l took courses, was a part of clubs as well as cross country (and maintained a social life). While trying to be creative, I was doing nothing to stimulate my creativity. I would binge watch shows and movies and do a total of an hour or two of movement throughout the day. I hardly talked to people. I ate the same meals and sat on the same cushion of my loveseat all day every day. There is now a distinct indent in the right cushion of my loveseat because of this. I was making a habit of being stagnant. No wonder I had writer’s block. I had to change up my routines and make it a conscious practice to be kinder to myself.

For those who don’t know me personally, I have a knack for being hard on myself. A lot of the time, I am too hard on myself. I am told this time and time again from friends, family, coworkers, and, yes, therapists. And it’s my inner critic that stops me from trying new things and breaking out of my comfort zone (as previously seen in my book writing endeavor). I mistake the negativity and urgency for complacency of my inner critic for lack of motivation. I have plenty of motivation. What inhibits me is that I harvest negative thoughts like it’s my job. I am my own worst enemy in this respect. 

Sometimes these negative thoughts are so loud and so overwhelming that I feel paralyzed. It's why it can be challenging for me to make decisions and follow through on creative endeavors. My inner critic bullies me into consistency and complacency. From therapy, I’ve learned that although I can’t make my inner critic disappear, I can choose whether or not I want to believe everything my inner critic is telling me. For if I always heeded what it said, I would never be able to grow. If I whole heartedly believed my inner critic, I would never have started this blog post to begin with.

Today’s blog post is in response to my inner critic from this morning. 

“You have no ideas,” it said.

“No one cares,” it said.

“Your blog needs an immediate focus so you may as well quit now because you know for yourself that it’s impossible for you to decide on one thing,” it said. 

“That first post was a fluke. Don’t get used to it,” it said.

“You’re too tired to write today,” it said.

“This will end up just like everything else you start. You can never finish your projects,” it said.

And today I challenge these thoughts and say this; 

I am going to write anyway. 

It doesn’t matter what people think as long as I stay true to myself. 

I will try my best to focus my writings around overall wellness, whether that be about physical health, mental health, or the devastating consequences to people’s health under systems of oppression. 

This blog isn’t a fluke. 

I am allowed to rest.

I will continue on with this project.

I can’t wait to begin this journey with you, my readers. 

Stay safe out there, wear your masks, and support Black authors, artists, and businesses!

With Love,

Emily