The Time I Passed Out in My Gnocchi: A Story on Healthcare
I recently polled Instagram the question, “Have you or your symptoms ever been invalidated or dismissed by a doctor.” I put into context a brief summary of how my back pain has been terribly mishandled by my doctors.
Thirty five people said yes and 3 said no.
Although these numbers are alarming, I feel much less alone in my experience.
I want to share another traumatic experience I have had with doctors and hospitals. If even one person can relate, it will have been worth it to share.
TW// fainting, needles
About a year and a half ago, on one of the hottest days of the summer, I passed out face first into my gnocchi at Leunig’s, a french restaurant in downtown Burlington.
I remember regaining consciousness on the patio, vaguely aware of onlookers staring at me and asking if I were okay. I noticed my boyfriend, his sister, and her husband pacing around. They asked me questions, keeping me awake, while urging me to drink water. The hostess called the hospital. As the hospital was only two miles away, an ambulance arrived almost instantaneously.
The EMT’s took my vitals. I remember hearing them tell my boyfriend that my heart rate was in the 40’s and asking him if I was a runner. He told them yes, and they continued their evaluation.
I told delirious jokes while my head weighed heavily down on the patio table.
Because my blood pressure was so low and I could not walk without falling, they strongly advised me to go to the hospital to get an IV of fluids and electrolytes.
I was furious at them. I responded, “I would prefer if it were done in the ambulance if it can be done at all. Last time I got blood work done from this hospital, I was poked and prodded and then sent home without giving even the smallest sample of blood.”
If they couldn’t take my blood while I was hydrated, how would they get an IV in when I was incredibly dehydrated?
In response to my skepticism, the first responders chuckled and assured me they would be able to stick me.
I was loaded onto a stretcher and elevated into the ambulance. There, two EMT’s attempted to stick me. I don’t remember how many times, however it was enough that it became incredibly painful. I wailed while they wiggled the needle in my arm. They were unable to find a good vein and recommended I go to the hospital to have a doctor try to IV me. I was hesitant. I told them I was not confident the doctor could do it either. The EMT’s said that opting out of going to the hospital would require me to sign a form stating I was going against medical advice. I begrudgingly rode to the hospital in the ambulance, all the while thinking about how it was really just an expensive uber.
When I got to the hospital, my vitals were taken all over again. An EKG was done. Everything appeared normal besides my blood pressure and heart rate. A doctor came soon after and prodded me again. (At that point, both arms had been poked.) This time the doctor tried my hand. I sobbed as the doctor twisted and turned under my skin.
After me and my boyfriend begged the doctor to stop, the doctor said he would get an ultrasound going to get a closer look at my veins.
During the ultrasound, the doctor and nurses searched both arms and hands for a vein. After finding one, the doctor tried again. I felt a swell of pain and anxiety as I was once again prodded. I tried desperately to hold in my sobs, holding my breath to get through another poking.
When I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, I cried out in pain and frustration. Again, my boyfriend asked the doctor to stop. After a few more twists and turns, the doctor finally stopped.
I was given more ice water and ginger ale to supplement the IV I should have been given. I was then told I could not leave until I peed.
So I chugged multiple glasses of water and ginger ale.
I was determined to leave as soon as possible.
When I was finally able to pee, I marched to the bathroom, trying my best to hide my wobbles. I still felt a little light headed.
About half an hour after I gave my pee sample, I was allowed to leave.
I left with a headache, dizziness, and disappointment.
Why was it so important for me to go to the hospital when I could have drank water and ginger ale or even gatorade at home?
Why was I left with a $2,000 hospital bill for a two mile ambulance ride, and a ginger ale?
For the rest of that summer, I had very little appetite. I couldn’t run outside for more than twenty minutes at time.
I am still angry about this experience. I still have a hard time understanding why I was so easily dismissed when I told the EMT’s and doctor that my veins were difficult.
This was not the first time I was disappointed in this hospital. Just a year and a half prior to my fainting spell, I had an MRI and X-ray done at UVM for my chronic back pain. When the results came back, I was told that everything came back clear. Because I passed the flexibility and strength tests, I should keep up with my physical therapy and the pain should go away. Based on what the doctors saw, or more so didn't see, I should technically be able to keep running for the cross country team.
When I went to my hometown chiropractor during Thanksgiving break, I received another X-ray which showed my spine twisting like a twizzler.
There was a reason for my pain after all.
These recent experiences have prevented me from trying to find a primary care doctor. I have not had a physical in four years.
I have been afraid of being invalidated. I mean, why go to the doctor if the doctor isn’t going to help you?
Reiki, chiropractic, and therapy have done more for me than any doctor.
However, I need a primary care doctor. I cannot go my whole life avoiding doctors.
I need vaccine boosters and blood panels and regular wellness visits.
I recently made a promise to myself to not let past negative experiences with doctors prevent me from taking care of me.
This past week, I finally made an appointment with a new primary care doctor. It has taken years and months of therapy, but I’ve done it. I still do not trust doctors. I understand I will most likely have to continue to demand care, that this doctor may not be for me. But I have to look after my health, despite my discomfort.
I know I am not alone in my experiences with being invalidated and dismissed by doctors. The healthcare system works against women, especially women of color and Black women. Even with my cis-white privilege, I have had awful experiences with doctors. I cannot begin to imagine what women of color, Black women, disabled women, and trans women experience.
I have to add that this pandemic is disproportionately killing people of color, Black people, Indiginous people, and disabled people. From my own traumatizing experiences with doctors and hospitals, it is not hard to imagine why.
Stay safe out there.
Take care of yourself.
With love,
Emily
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