Choosing Recovery, Year 1, months 4-7

Year 1, months 4-7

When I entered the partial hospitalization program, I convinced myself that I could have it all. I wanted to recover from my eating disorder, train for my junior year college cross country season, work at the summer camp I grew up going to, and prepare to study abroad that upcoming spring semester. So at the start, I knew I was not going to stay enrolled in the program longer than 6 weeks. My job was going to start at the end of June. I couldn’t miss that. What if people thought that there was actually something wrong with me?

Because of this accelerated timeline, I made sure to follow ALL the rules. I learned how to eat from my meal plan- 3 meals, 3 snacks, and a dessert every day- which included more carbs and fats per meal than I had had in years. This was relatively easy to follow while I was in the program from 8am-2pm, but when I got home it became extremely difficult. There was no one at home holding me accountable. This wasn’t necessarily the fault of my parents. I didn’t want them to know the extent of how bad it had gotten. I also didn’t always believe myself that it had gotten that bad. So I didn’t tell them.

To stay compliant to my recovery plan, I developed a way of tricking my eating disorder into thinking it had won. If the voice of my eating disorder told me to engage in any maladaptive behaviors, I would make a plan to do just that. I just wouldn’t follow through with the plan. I achieved this by distracting myself for as long as I could until it was just far too late to engage in said behavior. During that time, I would end up eating my snacks, dinner, and dessert. Each time I ate, I had to think “You’ll burn this off later,” to allow myself to eat. The only way I could remain compliant was by gaslighting my eating disorder.

By doing this, the fallacy of my eating disorder was exposed. Maybe I didn’t need to listen to it to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel enough. The volume of my eating disorder started to go down- not by much, mind you. It went from say 100 decibels to 95. But just 5% felt significant. It was the most relief I had felt in years. It gave me hope.

Luckily, I didn’t face any physical setbacks during my time in treatment. I was able to follow my cross country training plan without injury. This was paramount in my success in treatment. If I had gotten injured during my time there, it would have triggered a relapse and extended my stay. Injuries had always triggered lapses and relapses in the past. 

After graduating from the program, and after the conclusion of my job at the summer camp- I got injured. This time it was sciatic pain stretching from my low back down my hamstring. This wasn’t my first time experiencing this kind of pain. My body was no stranger to subluxations in the spine. It had the habit of getting stuck in painful positions that wouldn’t release. I had gone to physical therapists and chiropractors for years for some relief. Not much helped at the time as I wasn’t fueling for recovery. I was in severe energy debt from years of restriction- so even though I was eating in surplus for 6 weeks, it wasn’t enough to counteract the accumulated low energy availability.

This injury resulted in relapse. At the time, I didn't consider it a relapse as I was still eating more than my normal. Looking back 9 years later, I can be honest enough with myself to recognize that this triggered my eating disorder. I slowly began eating less and less over the weeks. The voice of my eating disorder became louder and louder especially now that my movement was heavily restricted. I was mourning my junior college cross country season before it had even happened. When it came time to go to cross country camp late August, I was unable to run most days. I felt so alone. And I was in so much pain.

To be continued...

If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, there is help and there is hope. https://anad.org/eating-disorder-helpline/